No. 54 Slapped with the Stupid Stick

The little man who brandishes the stupid stick and dances about maternity wards administering sound beatings to the heads of selected newborns, must’ve really had his work cut out the day arch-chavette, Waynetta Slob- sorry, I mean Karen Matthews, and village idiot reject Michael Donovan were evacuated kicking and screaming from their respective mothers’ wombs, never to darken its doors again.

Suffice to say, said little man would surely have been in need of a new stupid stick once he’d finished beating this particular pair of dullards about the head, evidently using up what you’d think to be a limitless supply of idiocy on the pair of them.

For those in the dark to just who the deuce I’m bumbling on at about, Karen Matthews – who, along with her genius accomplice, may go on to be the first diagnosed cases of terminal thickness – is the woman who was last week found guilty of the kidnapping and imprisonment of her own nine-year-old daughter in order to claim the reward money put up by a national newspaper for her return, and obviously milk any other source of income that would arise because of her ordeal. Michael Donovan - who appears to be some sort of uncle or other to somebody, in what must’ve been a bizarre in-breeding experiment gone wrong – was the one who kept the girl drugged and tethered at his home. It was also to be his job to find the girl and claim the reward, which was then to be split between this pair of master criminals.

Nice people, indeed. But the sad fact is that the world is now so chock full of the stupid and the senseless, the vile and the violent, and the selfish and the shallow, that very little surprises Jeffman. He is completely desensitised to the continual stream of shocking stories that fill the news bulletins and next week’s litter trays; of the murders, the rapes, and the casual acts of wanton antisocial behaviour that keep the news channels busy for 24 hours of the day.

More and more are buying into the lie that has been sold to them by greedy Media execs and their parade of string puppets such as Jade Goody, Peaches Geldof, and a raw sewage tidal wave of similarly talentless non-entities that clog up the TV screens and column inches like the sweaty, white heart attack batter that cakes the arteries of a 100-a-day smoker with a predilection for fried lard butties. The lie that you can get something for nothing if you’re willing to cash your brain in at the door and wallow nose-deep in a mire of faecal soup.

Expecting something for nothing is a national pastime, one which makes crime such an attractive and booming vocation. Qualifications are rarely required, which is a good thing considering the state of Britain’s education system, and even the clinically stupid can give it a fair crack of the whip, the aforementioned pair being a case in point. So perhaps the only option remaining to an embattled government in their supposed ‘War on Crime’ is to admit defeat and open crime up as a fully taxable profession.

That would smooth out any unfortunate peaks and troughs due to appear when the time comes to announce the recession-adjusted unemployment figures, plus the extra tax will come in handy when the shortfall created by the government’s recent borrowing spree needs to be met. With the prisons emptied, the government could then use them to house all the honest, hard-working people who’ll be losing their homes over the course of next year.

Jeffman really doesn’t know how these flashes of brilliance come to him.

Which nonsense reminds me of that old saying I just made up. “Give a man a fish and he’ll feed himself for a day. Give a man a fishing rod and he’ll clatter it around the other man’s head and take his fish.”

You have been warned.

Jeffman endeavors to stay abreast of current affairs. However, inebriation sometimes gets in the way, causing him to impart his questionable wisdom a whole week after the event. As is the case here.

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