No 52. The Religionisation of Christmas

Jeffman made one of his rare journeys outside of the pub yesterday and was quick to regret it when he innocently happened upon the following sign, printed in big black letters on bright orange paper, and attached to the notice board of his local church:

MARY WRAPPED THE FIRST CHRISTMAS PRESENT. CELEBRATE THE LORD’S BIRTHDAY HERE THIS CHRISTMAS

Well he should’ve seen it coming really. Jeffman knew it would only be a matter of time before the grasping hand of religion tried to muscle in on the festivities and claim their share of the seasonal purse.

Any right-thinking individual knows full well that Christmas serves two purposes and two purposes alone. Drinking to the point of central nervous system collapse and acquiring a respectable stash of loot. Just what the religious bods thinks this has to do with them is beyond me.

Further investigation reveals that it is largely the Church of England and the left-foot brigade seeking to infiltrate this otherwise glorious festival of drunken debauchery and wanton consumerism, evidently for their own nefarious purposes, whatever they might be. (maybe trying to pull us into church in November, or even as early as October?)

Let’s just put into perspective why this has to be one of the Church’s less well considered attempts at dragging themselves into the 21st century.

Christmas is all about the presents. It’s about buying someone a bit of tat in the hope that your efforts are rewarded tenfold. It’s also about the celebration of the birth of a certain man with a beard, who makes a sterling sacrifice each year, delivering presents to others on his own birthday. And most importantly, as touched upon earlier, Christmas is the time of year for a monumentally royal booze-up with enough of a kick to turn the ghost of Oliver Reed teetotal.

At chez Mann this entails the purchase of enough spirits and beer to drown a Blue Whale - for those quiet moments between visits to the pub - and then drinking myself, quite literally, into next year. As Christmas is all about tradition it’s then customary for me not to come around until at least the second week of February.

Which just goes to show that the season of good tidings and the teachings of what is in danger of becoming little more than a shambolic cult are diametrically opposed to one another? If we allow this infiltration of the annual slurp-fest then where will it all end? A religious hijacking of Sundays? The jolly boy’s official day of recovery.

Jeffman’s staggering ignorance of religious festivals also stretches to Easter, Witson, and Pancake Day.

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