It is in fact November the 5th, which means tonight is Bonfire night. An evening where everybody in England gathers together around a roaring fire beneath a fog-cloaked sky and celebrates the arrest, torture, hanging, drawing, quartering, and eventual burning of Catholics everywhere; via the medium of the humble baked potato.

bonfire night banned under government laws

However, recent Government edicts have made it a criminal offence to not only discriminate against, but also look at somebody else on the grounds of religion.

We here at Not What it Used to Be are taking no chances.

Therefore we shall be burning effigies of not only Guy Fawkes, but also Osama Bin Laden, the Dalai Lama, Cliff Richard, and Barry Manilow. We apologise in advance for any religion we may be neglecting to persecute, and hope that this doesn’t leave us open to criminal charges.

Update

Since publishing the above post, the Government has gone on to announce that as part of its ongoing drive to build cast-iron community relations, it is now illegal to burn any effigies of those engaged in, or suspected of involvement in terrorist activities.

As a response to accusations of “pissing on bonfire parties everywhere”, a Government spokesperson has said that Guy Fawkes dolls already constructed will be offered four bedroomed houses and entitled to claim social security benefits. The Daily Mail has called for a day of mourning, ‘Lest we forget’, whilst Ann Widdecombe was quoted as saying: “It’s political correctness gone mad.”

Piers Morgan was unavailable for comment.

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