No. 39 Jeffman’s £37 Billion Bailout

Despite what I may have said midweek regarding the imminent end of the world and everybody blaming poor Gordon Brown for it, it would seem that as I was indeed publishing said foolishness, the Prime Minister was in fact undergoing a sudden surge in popularity.

Unbelievable, I know, but Gordon Brown was suddenly hailed as the saviour of the planet following the decision to hand £37bn of our money to three of the big banks so they could continue operating, which kick-started a similar bowel movement across Europe and beyond. It would be churlish of me to mention that these are the same banks that are probably right now setting in motion procedures to repossess your home if you’re having difficulties meeting your mortgage repayments.

However, the banks being banks – populated and run by extremely greedy and immoral low-lives – have instead chosen to horde this injection of free cash as opposed to using it to keep the glut of imaginary money flowing through their greasy palms. This is to be expected, as like the scorpion in the fable of the Scorpion and the Frog they “cannot help themselves. It is in their nature”.

Share prices have continued to plummet and within a day or so of being hailed the conquering hero, Gordon Brown is back to washing spit out of his hair. Such is life.

Nevertheless, I am looking forward to my newly acquired shares in the RBS, the TSB, and HBOS paying out. If I play it canny, I could be in for a nice little earner.

Obviously now would be a silly time to sell, but if I give it a couple of years, then Bob’s your uncle, Fanny’s a rude word. The present forecast is that it’ll be 2010 before we’re free of the after-effects of any incoming recession, so that’s when I’ll be cashing in. As quickly as possible, in fact, before everybody else gets wind of the idea and follows suit, triggering yet another stock market crash. The house of cards topples so easily, see?

Couple this with my impending lawsuit – court procedures take an annoyingly long time to get moving – and 2010 will see me in line for a nice little windfall. I foresee a very real risk of me roistering myself to death with the lifestyle that all this cash will fund. Here’s to 2010.

Of course, if between now and then it gets so that Jeffman can’t afford to pay for the level of debauchery to which he is presently accustomed, then he will have to sell his shares at a loss. But that’s the trouble with the futures markets. You win some, you lose some.

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