No. 38 The Chancer’s Formbook: How to Sue Somebody

After another eye-bleedingly dull day in ungainful employment Jeffman has reached the conclusion that the only way to beat the astronomical odds that have been stacked against him is to sue some other bugger for their money. Everybody else in this day and age is using the courts to bolster their lack of income, so why shouldn’t he?

I have taken the liberty of drawing up a shortlist of people to sue with handy tips should those of you at home wish to acquire your own retirement fund.

1. Suing the Council
The tried and much tested favourite of the workshy and the cerebrally-challenged. You only have to look out of your window and you’ll be availed by the almost limitless possibilities.

There’s tripping over paving slabs; falling off kerbs; walking into lampposts; falling down manholes; tripping over shadows… The list goes on, nine times out of ten involving some form of falling over, off or down something.

Loose paving slabs are the perennial favourite of the seasoned small-courts claimant. The practice of tripping over one is not only a valuable source of income, but also very close to becoming a registered trade. Walsall College of Further Education have said they will be offering evening classes in the discipline as of next year, dependant on a risk assessment from the Health and Safety Executive.

One obstacle that has arisen in recent years is that the Councils in some areas of high unemployment have taken to replacing the ever reliable concrete slab with block paving. This is being carried out under the premise of ‘Regeneration’, but I am reliably informed by my sources in the ‘where there’s blame, there’s a claim’ brigade that it is in fact because it is infinitely harder, even for the most dysfunctional of brains, to trip over a block paver.

2. Suing a Celeb
This one can lead to nice little windfall of celeb-sized proportions. The trick is to find a star or a celebrity that bares the remotest of likenesses to yourself – same sex or race will usually do – and sue them.

You can go one of two ways with this one. Either claim that this inconsiderate publicity-junky’s resemblance to yourself means you get stopped everywhere you go, making it nigh-on impossible for you to sign on at the dole office or go down to the corner shop to purchase fags and booze; or you could go the whole hog and sue them for something along the lines of facial plagiarism – obviously a lawyer will sort out the technical wording. Either way offers guaranteed access to a veritable cash cow of celebrity wedge.

3. Suing Joe Public
Firstly find an allotment, a garden fence, or any privately owned building that has fitted barbed wire somewhere upon its facade with the express intention of keeping the likes of you out.

Simply break in, take what you like or cause a degree of wanton damage to said property, then leave. The goal here is to damage your person on the barbed wire in some way, either upon entry or exit. This could manifest as a scratched hand, a cut cheek, or a torn tracksuit bottom; the specifics are irrelevant.

What matters is that the owner of said premises is now liable for prosecution under a number offences, such as endangering the well-being of a burglar, or prevention of a vandal carrying out his or her duty. A successful conviction will also mean a healthy payout for you. This is also equally effective with perimeter walls laced with broken glass.

Note: Although this method will work perfectly well in the United Kingdom, it is worth checking your own country’s laws before undertaking it. Failure to do so could see you being arrested and in some extreme cases thrown in jail.

So there you have it. Anyone of these could see me laughing all the way to the bank, and once I have finalised the details and the court date is set, a nice little nest-egg should be falling into my lap. I shall keep you all posted.

You have been warned!

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