No. 36 Dickie Davies: A Sporting Fellow

Three cheers for Dickie Davies. He is the cut of chap that harks back to a more elegant and – dare I say? – a more innocent era. A time when a gent was well within his rights to pepper a young ruffian with buckshot, happen he was to catch such a delinquent youth loitering upon his grounds. Without fear of prosecution, one might add.

This was a time when a cad, and indeed, a bounder was readily accepted into the homes of the troublesome Proles each and every Saturday afternoon, simply because they were aware of his superior breeding and quite rightfully showed the respect that was due.

But there was more to Dickie Davies than just an exemplary bloodline. He was the quintessential English gent and the erstwhile presenter of a World Of Sport. Immaculately turned out at half past midday every Saturday, when the nation’s lower orders were staggering blind drunk out of their public houses and speakeasies, his crystal clear delivery of the Queen’s own English was only matched by a sartorial elegance that was second to none. Even if his perfectly maintained coiffure did give the impression of a man who had just finished painting the ceiling.

But Dickie Davies was not of the temperament to stoop to such a menial task as decorating. He was one of the chaps. A sporting fellow of unquestionable character.

Such was an aversion to engaging in any form of activity that might ruffle his carefully cultivated debonair appearance, he could never harvest pleasure from the simple things in life such as kicking Proles or tipping cripples out of wheelchairs. The thought of a scuffed brogue or an unruly barnet were never far from his mind.

However, ever the resourceful rogue, Dickie was to counter this problem with the inspired idea of getting the Proles to kick each other. After a varying degree of success with his invention of the sporting pursuit of football, in 1968 Dickie punched the odious bog-trotter Eamonn Holmes (Andrews? Ed) live on television and thus succeeded him to become the new presenter of a World Of Sport. This gave Dickie the opportunity to unveil his coup de grace, the sporting pursuit of wrestling. This invention took away the need for a reluctant middle man like Dickie, and allowed the proles to hammer seven royal shades of shit from one another.

Yours truly can recall many a pleasurable afternoon at Fanshawe Towers watching two burly men in leotards pummelling each other in the ring, before we all sat down to watch the wrestling on a World Of Sport. Unfortunately the oiks enjoyed this spectacle too, and made household names of the likes of Giant Haystacks, Kendo Nagasaki, Shirley Bassey, Mick Miller, and Max Wall.

Presenting a World Of Sport and inventing the sporting pursuits of football and wrestling would be surplus to the requirements of any thoroughly decent cove’s life, but Dickie was not one to rest on his laurels.

After closing down a World Of Sport in 1985 and selling the sporting pursuit of wrestling to our colonial cousins in America for a reputed four pounds, ninety-nine pence of the Queen’s shillings, and a signed photograph of Jew piano fool, Victor Borge, he returned in June of 1993 as one half of popular dancehall Reggae combo, Dickie Davies and Pliers.

With Dickie chatting pon de mic and Pliers providing the soulful vocals, success, as always, beat a well-trodden path to the cove’s front door and the duo enjoyed a number one in the hit parade with the tuneful ‘Tease Me’. This was quickly followed by other easy-listening classics such as ‘Murder She Wrote’ and ‘Gal Wine’. But these were to be Dickie’s final forays into the national consciousness.

Following the failure of fourth album Consciousness a Lick to chart in his home country, Dickie Davies retired from the public eye. He now spends his days partaking of various sporting pursuits and admiring the aforementioned signed photograph of Victor Borge.

If one was to plot a correlation between the withdrawal of Dickie Davies from our television screens and the rise of social unrest and damned fool Bolshy behaviour that the oiks see fit to display today, then one is sure they could draw their own conclusions. (I’ve no idea what that means either. Ed)

In the meantime let us raise a glass of Krug, Clos Du Mesnil 1995 to sir Dickie of Davies. God bless him and all of those that sail in him. A true sporting fellow.

More of Fanshawe’s guff:

No. 31 Fanshawe on Feminism
No. 28 Fanshawe Reveals All
No. 25 Fanshawe Joins the Fold
No. 24 A Sporting Fellow’s Jollies
No. 16 The Working Classes and their Like

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